Paris Hilton (cameltap.com)
Paris Hilton (cameltap.com)
Paris Hilton (cameltap.com)

Above, we have the original Paris commercial, below, Audrina. Who do you think is more likely to win your vegan friends back over to the dark side? (Our heart belongs with Paris, we must admit. She just brings that little extra something to the ad, you know?) But hey, we want to know what you think. Watch the videos, then take the poll below.

Anyone else sensing a theme here?

· Paris Hilton’s Potential Best Friend Topless! (boobieblog.com)

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

. . .

Angelina Jolie

Eva Mendez

Claire Danes

Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan

Evan Rachel Wood

Lily Allen

Shauna Sand

Bai Ling

Kym Johnson

· MTV UK: Fur TV (autoplay warning, mtv.co.uk)
· Fur TV: Sex Tape! (illegaladvertising.com, via Adrants)

Previously: Pornstar Bears, XXX Puppet Sex

· Gisele Bundchen thinks it's ridiculous that the Catholic Church bans sex before marriage. "Show me someone who's a virgin," she says. Why? What will you do to him if we do? (newswatch50.com)

· Now that Paris Hilton is out of jail, let us look at this photoset starring lookalike Christine Alexis and reflect upon what might have been if her stupid skin condition and/or possible nervous breakdown hadn't gotten in the way. (orgasmatrix.com + Defamer)

· As the person who pointed this out to us said, once you see that the London 2012 Olympic logo looks like Lisa Simpson giving head, you can't un-see it. (YouTube)

· News flash: The number of people willing to pay for content on the internet is dwindling. When was it ever rising? (xbiz.com)

· Step 1: Make some "x-rated" art. Step 2: Have it banned by the city for being "inappropriate." Step 3: Profit. (nypress.com)

· Canada is one of the best place to go for nude beaches, but their summer will be over in about two weeks, so make it snappy. (hfxnews.ca)

· Ohio strip clubs continue to fight the state's new "six-foot" law. Why don't they just find strippers with longer arms? (wlwt.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

You might think you're not familiar with David Hans Schmidt, but he's had more of an effect on our collective masturbatory habits than just about anyone else out there (except for, you know, us here at Fleshbot). As "America's premier peddler of celebrity smut", Schmidt has been responsible for unleashing such gems as Tonya Harding's honeymoon video, Paris Hilton's private diaries, and the Colin Farrell and Dustin "Screech" Diamond sex tapes upon an unsuspecting and otherwise innocent porn-viewing public—and has made plenty of enemies in the process. In its latest issue, Details profiles the "porn-peddling philosopher" who insists that he's just catering to the needs of the marketplace instead of infringing upon the privacy of the rich and famous: "Those tapes hit my desk because someone involved wants to profit from it ... The only thing I exploit is opportunity." Far be it for us to judge the moral implications of his work, but was the world made a better place by the sight of Screech sticking a shit-smudged finger in that poor girl's face? We're just sayin'.

· "The Lord of Celebrity Smut" (men.style.com)

Previously: DVD Review: "Screeched", Paris Hilton Unexposed?, The (Expurgated) Colin Farrell Sex Tape,

· Hey, look ... it's pictures of Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson hanging out together! Nothing suspicious about that, right? (toxicmagazine.com)

· Oh by the way, Russian gangsters are luring Windows users to malicious websites by promising pictures of Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. But seriously, that above link is totally cool. You trust us don't you? (informationweek.com)

· If you'd rather not take chances, you can just enjoy this gallery of completely random and unrelated photos of topless girls at the beach. Things like this don't have to make sense. (attuworld.com)

· Officials at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport are cracking down on sex in the public restrooms, presumably by informing people that sex in an airport bathroom does not qualify you for the Mile High Club. (wyff4.com)

· In America, it's big faceless chain stores that replace all the mom and pop operations. In Japan, they get replaced by sex shops. Mom and Pop probably needed to retire, anyway. (mainichi-msn.co.jp)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Is Jenna Jameson laying low because of a botched vaginoplasty? We had no idea she was still a work in progress, and besides—isn't that like fucking with the Sistine Chapel or something? (nydailynews.com, second item)

· Britain's top football and show business stars are "terrified" by that bad girl Danielle Lloyd will tell their secrets in her autobiography. We're terrified that 23-year-olds can publish autobiographies. (dailystar.co.uk)

· Hard to believe that Christians would be upset by a nude Jesus statue made out of chocolate. We wonder if it can walk on a sea of peanut butter? (nydailynews.com, see also Gawker)

· A first-grader got suspended after accessing a naughty Paris Hilton cartoon on the school's computers. Later, the seven-year-old admitted that he even thinks she's overexposed. (centredaily.com)

· Just another reminder: if you have naked photos of yourself anywhere on your computer, somehow, someway, your political rivals will embarrass you with them. It's almost like the universe demands it. (stltoday.com)

· Here's a musical ode to a true living legend: Heather from I Deep Throat. This is what YouTube was made for. (YouTube)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Evangeline Lilly does her best Coppertone Girl imitation as her bikini bottoms nearly get "Lost." Get it ... because she's on that TV show? Oh, never mind ... (egotastic.com)

· Can hypnotherapy help you grow bigger boobs? Maybe that's what Paris Hilton's been up to. (dailymail.co.uk + thesun.co.uk)

· See, junior-high level sexual puns entertain Gawker just as much they do us. Now you know where we get it from. (Gawker)

· No, we have no idea who Zuleikha Robinson is either. But with a rack like that, we might just have to start watching "Rome" more often to see more. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· Is nude art covered by the Constitution? It better be, because those orange jumpsuits they use at Guantanamo Bay make our waists look huge. (indystar.com)

· Criminals beware: your home burglary caper has a much greater chance of success if you don't take all your clothes off and fall asleep on the couch. We guess they don't teach these things at robber school. (metro.co.uk)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· With the 24-hour Britney Watch still going strong, Lindsay Lohan must be wondering what she has to expose to get a little attention around here. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· Meanwhile, we're not sure where on this earth the sight of Paris Hilton's exposed nipple is still considered news—except, apparently, the UK. Bless their hearts. (taxidrivermovie.com + CNN)

· To the commenter yesterday who asked how far we're willing to go for a bad sex joke ... when it's this easy, you don't have to go very far. (uweekly.com)

· A 77-year-old Kansas man will not let a couple of prison sentences for interstate transportation of pornography stop him from becoming mayor of his town. They could use more people like him in Washington. (hutchnews.com)

· It turns out that penis size does matter ... to rodents. Fortunately for humans, rats can't drive sports cars. (msnbc.msn.com)

· Having sex makes testosterone levels rise in women, which increases the likelihood of orgasm, which makes women feel sexier ... which leads to more sex, which leads to more testosterone, etc. It's a viciously awesome cycle. (abc.net.au)

· Boobs on Bikes returns to New Zealand: "People say sex and perversion are wrong but look at it - when it's free to the public, half the city comes out." Enough said. (stuff.co.nz)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Maybe we're just getting jaded in our old age, but for some reason a celebrity sex tape just isn't as fun or exciting when it has the tacit permission of the parties involved to be distributed and stretches the definition of "celebrity" to begin with—both of which might be the case with the already hyped Kim Kardashian romp with hip-hop r&b star Ray J, which Vivid announced late yesterday it had paid $1 million to a "third party" for distrubution rights and which will hit the file sharing method of your choice stores soon. Since we doubt a company like Vivid would risk selling something like this without having the necessary 2257 documentation on hand, there's the sneaking suspicion that Kim might be in full cahoots with its distribution process, which kind of takes the edge off everything as far as we're concerned. But if that turns out to be the case, don't think for a moment that she's doing it for the money: as she told the Daily News last month, "I'm not poor; I'm not desperate. I would never attempt to sell a tape. It would humiliate me and ruin my family. I have two successful businesses, and I don't need the money." And when it comes to something that will both increase her name recognition value and give her something else in common with BFF Paris Hilton besides being famous for dubious reasons ... well, you can't put a price on that either.

· Kim Kardashian Superstar, Featuring Ray J. (kimksuperstar.com)
· "Vivid Acquires Kim Kardashian Sex Tape for $1 Million" (AVN)
· "OH, KIM! SEX TAPE SNEAKS OUT" (Page Six)
· Kardashian Trailer Video (Metacafe)
Previously: Morning Wood: Another Look at Kim Kardashian

· We're flattered that E! News named us a go-to source (along with YouTube, even!) for all your Paris Hilton storage locker needs, but the sad truth is that aside from a few screencaps we had to rely on Google to find everything just like everyone else. (We did, however, use that "Paris Unxposed" line before E! did.) (eonline.com)

· Digital Playground begins the promotional juggernaut for "Pirates 2" with the online release of a teaser trailer that's notable for its complete absence of anything that would inform you it's the sequel to one of the most successful porn films of all time. If you get off on CGI thunder effects and pirate skeletons, however, you might still find something to jerk off to anyway. (digitalplayground.com; more @ AVN)

· Having a third nipple can be awkward, but a third nipple on the bottom of your foot? Sounds like a podophiliac's dream date—and look, Ma, no plastic! (dermatology.cdlib.org, via wfmu.org)

· The government goes after MySpace and Friendster ... again. Pretty soon all their only users will be government agents pretending to be teenagers. (xbiz.com)

· Drink enough vodka and the babes will come to you ... in your mind at least. We can see them already! (YouTube via shedwa.blogspot.com via adrants.com)

· A spammer targeted email marketer will pay a $465,000 fine to the Federal Trade Commission for not playing nicely on the web. Those pills they sent us didn't work, either. (ftc.gov)

· Why did Kelly Ripa cut this guy off? We're sure Regis really wanted to learn what "teabagging" is. (video @ Defamer)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Its contents may be long past the point of being safely confined to that storage locker, but that didn't stop certain parties concerned about the unbesmirched public image of America's favorite heiress-next-door from taking legal action to shut down ParisExposed.com, which despite our repeated attempts to access it over the weekend (=twice) seems to have been knocked offline*—thus depriving legions of curious suckers fans who ponied up the $39.97 subscription fee their credit card-given right to peruse further video clips of Paris' love nubbins and fat dudes covered in mountains of cocaine on a monthly basis.* Chief among Paris' champions is "Girls Gone Wild" czar and acknowledged compass of moral rectitude Joe Francis, who expressed his deep personal pain in a New York Post interview last Friday: "We're pissed and I feel for Paris right now. She's been victimized yet again ... These guys have absolutely no right to use the images, they flat-out put them on the Web with no permission. He messed with the wrong person." Given Mr. Francis' eminent authority when it comes to defending the honor of young women everywhere, we have no choice but to respect his position and promise to put the whole sordid manner behind us as we wish Paris all the best for a bright, wholesome tomorrow. After all, it's not like all those Google caches are going to stay around forever, you know.

· "'DEVASTATED' HEIRHEAD AND EX WILL SUE" (NY Post)
· "Paris Hilton and Joe Francis in Legal Fight to Take Down parisexposed.com" (hollywoodgrind.com - thanks Rick)
· See also: "I am - More Paris Exposed Shit of the Day" (drunkenstepfather.com)

*Update According to a "members newsletter" forwarded to us by a Fleshbot operative, the folks at ParisExposed.com have been busy doing some houskeeping of their own: "We spent the last few hours upgrading our networks and increasing our bandwidth and speed. We have just completed our system updates and our site is up and running ... faster than ever! Please visit http://85.17.61.101 to LOGIN and ACCESS your account." Guess that means Paris will be staying besmirched for at least a little while longer.

Previously: Update: Paris Hilton Still Exposed, Paris (Over)Exposed, Again

As we predicted, it didn't take long for clips from the recently launched ParisExposed.com to start appearing (and already getting pulled from) file sharing sites like RapidShare, though it's a testament to the increasing convenience with which these sorts of things are passed around that it took less than 24 hours for them to make the jump from paysite property to common currency instead of the week or so we had to suffer through back in 2003 when the sight of Paris' boobs was something new and exciting.

From what we've seen so far—a cache of eight clips from the members' area of ParisExposed.com—the savvy marketing geniuses at the site seem to be meting out the content in dribs and drabs: all that's apparently available so far are a couple of videos of Paris flashing her bits hither and yon as well as a longer clip of Paris and then boyfriend Jason Shaw rolling around toplessly in bed, during which time Paris shows off a necklace proclaiming her to be Jason's property (did that wind up in the storage facility as well?) and demonstrates her already lauded tampon-smoking skills. No hardcore action to speak of, and nothing we haven't really seen before. So is it worth spending that $39.97 to see whether things get more interesting? Possibly. But it also doesn't look like we'll have to.

· ParisExposed.com: "Bed Buddy" and "Bath" Screencaps (Fleshbot Gallery)
· Paris (Over)Exposed Again (Fleshbot)

Here's a lesson in P.R. from adult industry famewhore publicist Kevin Blatt. He announced this week that he was launching a new reality show called "Virgin Territory," in which 10 male virgins would compete, with the winner to be deflowered by a "famous female celebrity." There are a few details left to be ironed out, though ... like that fact that he doesn't actually have a female celebrity who has agreed to play along or a network that's agreed to broadcast the show. But that didn't stop dozens of news outlets from reporting the tale. Why? Because the press release mentioned the two magic names that always bring the media running: Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. Both have been "contacted" about participating in this silly stunt, and while we find it hard to believe that even these two notorious self-promoters would ever consider signing on most of the headlines included their names as if it were a done deal. (With a lawsuit-avoiding question mark, of course.) Yes, even we're mentioning it now, but mostly to express our annoyance at how often these tricks result in so many non-stories flooding our airwaves. But hey, if you're a virgin willing to debase yourself for the chance to get lucky, you might as well send in your photo. It's still cheaper than a full-service massage parlor.

· "Paris and Jenna to Show Virgins the Ropes?" (tmz.com)
· Kevin Blatt Explores Virgin Territory (avn.com)
· Virgin Territory (kanduproductions.com)

Previously: Morning Wood: Starring George Clooney as "Assistant Fleshbot Editor"

It's like 2003 all over again (or maybe 2005; we tend to lose track of these things): Yesterday saw the launch of ParisExposed.com, a website which, yes, exposes the contents of a $208 a month storage facility which the Hilton family coffers somehow forgot to pay for and which yielded a trove of miscellania that someone apparently thinks is worth charging visitors $39.97 to see, including Paris' old passports, correspondence, and home videos in which she shows cooch-flashers-come-lately like Britney Spears the real way to stay in the public eye once your notoriety has started to dim. So if you can't get enough of the sight of Paris getting her boob licked or her and her friends smoking weed and allegedly snorting a kilo of coke off a naked dude's torso, you may want to consider ponying up for the privilege; hopefully you'll have better luck accessing the members' area of the site than we did. (Or we can all just wait another few days for the contents to start appearing via the usual venues on the interweb, which we'll do our best to keep you updated about here. After all, we've waited this long.)

· Paris Exposed (membership tour @ parisexposed.com; see also preview video @ retroskank.com)

Previously: Paris Hilton's Sidekick Photos, Paris Steals "Paris", Paris Buys "Paris", "1 Night In Paris" Review, PHST: The Saga Continues

We'll say this for Paris Hilton: her timing is impeccable. Whenever it seems like Britney or Lindsay or even (heaven forbid) her own close personal friend Kim Kardashian might actually take away her title of most talked about celebrity trainwreck icon, she swoops in with a little well-placed nipple and, BOOM ... instant headlines. Like a villain in a bad slasher flick, she simply refuses to stay down. Even worse, just when you think she's done for good, that's when she's mostly likely to strike. While we still maintain that we can't really miss her if she never goes away, we do confess a small bit of respect of the tenacity with which Paris stays in the spotlight. It gets us every time.

· Paris Hilton Nipple Slip Pictures (egotastic.com)

Previously: Wet Spots: Catching Up With Old Friends, Wet Spots: Checking Out Of the Hilton(s), We'll Always Have Paris, Paris Hilton's Crack Solved, Paris Hilton's Sidekick Photos

· Fine, Paris Hilton ... you win. If you take a shower in public then we guess we'll write about you (and your friend Kim Kardashian) again. But just this once. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Britney Spears' vagina has it's own New Year's resolution, but unfortunately the brain it's attached too might have other ideas. (prettyontheoutside.typepad.com)

· For those who are interested in such things, The Smoking Gun has the court papers from Mariah Carey's fight with Mary Carey over their names. We like a little more visual evidence in our pornstar lawsuits, but that's just us. (thesmokinggun.com)

· If real human calendar babes are a little too much, maybe the computer generated variety would appeal to you more. When you break it all down, they're all mostly silicon anyway right? (thesun.co.uk)

· A Chicago massage parlor is not only accused of offering more than massages, they may also have been broadcasting those happy endings on the internet. Talk about getting rubbed the wrong way. (suntimes.com)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· A concert promoter is using photos of Britney, Paris, and Lindsay's exposed hoo-has to gain attention for their event. Are they trying to convince people to not show up? (adage.com)

· Meanwhile, we'd much rather see Britney helping to spread a little holiday cheer via Christmas cards like this. God knows she's helped make our December a little merrier as far as web traffic is concerned. (prettyontheoutside.typepad.com, via Pink Is The New Blog)

· Massive multi-player online role playing games are pretty geeky, unless the role you're playing is a strip club manager. Then it's just kinda sad. (hittintheclubs.com)

· Speaking of geeks, you should get the special one in your life a solar powered USB bikini. If the girl who is wearing it isn't hot enough, maybe you can plug in a toaster or something. (Gizmodo)

· The always plucky Kelly Brook enjoys the power of latex, though she might want to look into trying a bit of talcum powder or corn starch next time to help with any further potential chafing issues. Trust us—we know whereof we speak. (mannysbabes.blogspot.com)

· We all know about Jell-O and mud wrestling, but mashed potato wrestling? Where do they find enough gravy? (stltoday.com)

· Here's a handy guide for businessmen looking for some grown up fun in Chicago ... in 1959. If you ever find yourself at a time travelers' convention, this will be perfect. (iowahawk.typepad.com, via Boing Boing)

* * * * *
Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Paris and Nicky Hilton may be taking this sisterly love thing a bit too far. We don't even want to know where Britney fits into all this. (gallery @ newsoftheworld.co.uk)

· Perhaps good, wholesome Rachel Bilson can make it all better. Wait, a sec ... that's not very wholesome at all. (gorillamask.net)

· Naked News is looking for new anchors, so if you like to read things while people stare at your boobs, this might be your big chance. Bonus points if you can correctly pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad without laughing. (xbiz.com)

· A mom is suing a foster agency after her foster son finds old nude pics of her and unwittingly gives himself several years worth of expensive therapy sessions. He might survive the ordeal—but sadly, the pictures did not. (metro.co.uk)

· Finally, a dating service that only accepts really, really, really hot people. We've got to keep the gene pool sparkling clean, you know. (suntimes.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Britney Spears is spending way too much time with Paris Hilton and it's starting to rub off on her. Who would have ever thought that K-Fed would be the good influence? (egotastic.com)

· The title of this spread says something about "sex lessons", but we don't see Michelle Marsh and Lucy Pinder doing much by way of studying aside from wrestling around with their shirts open. We always got in trouble in school for stuff like that. (celebpixx.blogspot.com)

· Keisha Castle-Hughes, the actress who plays the Virgin Mary in the upcoming film "The Nativity Story," is 16 years old, unmarried ... and pregnant. That's either really, really ironic or it's the most immaculate promotional stunt in movie history. (theaustralian.news.com.au)

· This Thanksgiving weekend, take a moment to remember the Pilgrims and all the ways in which they seriously fucked up our sex lives. Where do we send the bill for our therapy sessions? (msnbc.msn.com)

· Among many other career highlights, Seka was shaving her pubic hair before it became a veritable adult industry requirement. They don't call her a porn legend for nothing. (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

· A California woman is suing to try to find the Craigslist creep who posted her name and phone number in a nasty sex ad. At least now we don't feel so bad that she didn't return our messages. (nydailynews.com)

· Readers are complaining about a racy clothing ad that's running in a newspaper geared toward lawyers. What are they going to do? Sue? (boston.com)

· Meet Singapore's "Doctor Love", the man who wants to turn his country on—and turn its falling birth rates around. For once, someone is literally doing it for the children. (latimes.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Remember the olden days when your choices were limited to George W. Bush or the Baby Jesus when you felt like sticking a celebrity dildo up your butt? (Actually, we're told the Dubya version looks just as much as Bill Clinton if you squint hard enough, but we're unable to tell you whether it felt any different regardless.) In a new line of adult novelties that are rather more "novelty" than "adult", you can now choose from a (slightly) wider assortment at CelebrityButtPlugs.com, which offers "Parass Hilton" and "Smell Gibson (The Bravefart Version)" models as well as a "George Dubya Tush" version that looks marginally more like its namesake than the first one we came across; more intriguingly, the company also says it can create custom buttplugs based on your own close-up photo of a loved (or not-so-loved) one or coworker. The possibilities get more disturbing the more we think about it.

· Celebrity Butt Plugs (celebritybuttplugs.com)

Previously: Sex Toy of the Week: George Bush Butt Plug, Alien Dildos, Talking Head Vibrators, Silicone Dildo Art, Divine Interventions

· Anything Lindsay Lohan can do, Paris Hilton can do drunker better. If they could somehow combine forces they'd be unstoppable.!(x17online.com)

· Ron Jeremy's memoir will be released in February. Hmm ... do you think he'll mention anything about fucking? (avn.com)

· A TV weatherman kept his job after admitting he was a recovering heroin addict, but when a nude photo of him ends up on MySpace ... chance of firing 100%. (9news.com)

· "Found: One Penis. Slightly torn. Concerned citizen would like to reunite it with its owner." (news24.com)

· Australian censors may reconsider their rating system to allow real sex in R-rated movies, by asking if adults are offended by movies with "a lot of sex but no plot and little artistic merit." Wait, who says that has no artistic merit? (smh.com.au)

· Plattsburgh State University may punish several male students after they starred in a sex scene for a Shane's World porn video. What's the problem? Banging a pornstar sounds like a pretty educational activity to us. (wstm.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· A recent study found that only less than one percent of all web pages contain adult material. You people should be ashamed of yourselves—get to work on that! (siliconvalley.com)

· Hey, look ... it's Paris Hilton's Ass! Again. It's like she's not even trying anymore. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Don't be afraid that 2257 regulations will continue to encroach upon your right to view porn—all those little black censorship boxes will make us freer. Or more oppressed. Honestly, we're not even sure anymore. (internetisforporn.com)

· What subversively smutty delights await you in The Doll Underground? Your guess is as good as ours. (thedollunderground.com)

· The Sex Culture Expo in Guangzhou was so successful that Chinese officials plan to spread the idea throughout the country. Don't forget: you've already got a billion people there, so watch where you point that thing. (chinadaily.com.cn)

· Some Afghans are worried that the fall of the Taliban has brought to their country a growing love of porn. Hey, that's just a little something we Americans like to call "spreading democracy." (scotsman.com)

· The makers of "Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2" are not shy about the reason you're going to buy their video game. There's really no point in pretending otherwise. (YouTube, via Kotaku)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· If you've been hearing all this talk this week about that hot girl-on-girl catfight action between Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler and wondering, "Who the hell is Shanna Moakler?" (no, we don't watch "Dancing With The Stars" either)—well, here's your answer. Old Playmates never die, they just beat up skinny socialites. (Defamer + toxicmagazine.com)

· What kind of sick freak collects pictures of pornstars with their clothes on? We'll link to it, but we don't have to like it. Perverts. (hornyoyster.com)

· We've posted stuff for the tech geeks and game freaks earlier today; now "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fans can get their jollies from these Mercedes McNab pictures in Playboy. No offense, but we think we've exceeded our nerd quotient for the day. (wwtdd.com)

· A group that's trying to stop an adult store from opening in Massachusetts has to be reminded that you have to be a charity in order to ask people for money. Nice try, though. (thebostonchannel.com + avn.com)

· The new fashion trend sweeping Paris is ridiculous hats that distract people from the fact that you aren't actually wearing clothes. Or maybe it's taking your clothes off to distract people from your ridiculous hat. (Gawker)

· A politician tries to smear his opponent by making him look like Hugh Hefner to remind people the guy was endorsed by Larry Flynt (which he wasn't.) Do you really want a Congressman who can't tell his porn publishers apart? (wftv.com)

· Speaking of politicians, the indefatigable Marey Carey will do just about anything to garner publicity for her campaign to become governer of California—including (shudder) attend the premiere of a Robin Williams movie. You'll never see Hillary Clinton doing stuff like that. (Defamer)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· There are sports fans, and then there are people who really love sports. Some guys—like the one standing next to the cheerleader with the broken arm—make it easy to tell the difference. (Deadspin)

· While some might be shocked that Charlotte Church beat Kate Moss in a poll to determine the best celebrity figures, we think it all comes down to a matter of taste. Like, for example, deciding whether to have a couple of scoops of extra-rich vanilla ice cream versus two Tic Tacs for dessert. (hollywoodtuna.com + contactmusic.com)

· A reverend in Texas has condemned the Simpson sisters with the worst curse of all: saggy boobs. Even "The Dukes of Hazzard" wasn't that horrible a sin. (thesun.co.uk)

· We're disgusted that someone would ride his motorcycle through town wearing nothing but a football helmet. That's a such a clear violation of head safety laws. (570news.com)

· Innocent clubgoers in Las Vegas continue to be terrorized by the dreaded Paris Hilton assflap. Won't someone please think of the children? (Or at least anyone standing within eyeshot of Paris Hilton in clubs in Las Vegas.) (Defamer)

· Pity poor young men who find that all is not what it seems once the bra comes off. Life is full disappointments and sometimes you just have to learn that the hard way. (story w/Paris Hilton boob slideshow @ sky.com)

· A man in Iowa has to pay $14,000 (!) to his old neighbor for sitting in his house and staring at her ... naked. When did being creepy get so expensive? (whotv.com)

· Step One: Add a live web camera function to Xbox online gaming. Step Two: Find a way to block unwanted live web camera porn while playing Xbox games online. Is there anyone who didn't see that coming? (gamerscoreblog.com, via Kotaku)

· Today's Eastern European news story that sounds dubious but which we desperately wish was true: a Bulgarian woman's breast implants act as an airbag and save her life in a car crash. Er, it could happen! (iol.co.za)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Defamer gets to the bottom of Paris Hilton's mysterious ass bulges. Wait at least 30 minutes after eating before clicking on this link. (Defamer)

· Here the rest of the (oddly scanned) photos from that Janet Jackson shoot we mentioned yesterday, which show even less skin than the cover photo. We still like her better when her wardrobe is malfunctioning. (thebosh.com)

· Introducing Honey Peach, a.k.a. the worst video game of all-time. It's rock, paper, scissors with 8-bit animated "nudity." Of course we'd still play it. (stageselect.com)

· A compilation of 30 years of Playboy "Playmate of the Year" covers. So many memories. (hornyoyster.com)

· What is it about these photos of girls with beer bongs that makes us so happy? Is it the beer? The sucking? The word "bong"? Some things just can't be explained. (doubleviking.com)

· A survey by a Christian web site shows that 50 percent of churchgoing men and 20 percent of churchgoing women are "addicted" to pornography ... and yet they haven't burst into flames. Go figure. (xbiz.com)

· A Ugandan wife solves her husband's infidelity problem by biting off his penis. That'll definitely keep him at home for awhile. (Or launch him on a porn career a la John Wayne Bobbitt one day, depending.) (angolapress-angop.ao)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Mark your calendars: Paris Hilton will not have sex with you until at least 2007. (thebosh.com)

· A man on Long Island is suing a Fire Island beach because they won't let his dog on the sand with him, despite his claim that he has a rare skin condition that requires him to sunbathe in the nude as much as possible. We've never heard of this condition, but is there a danger he might transmit it to say ... Scarlett Johansson? (thesmokinggun.com)

· Ugly divorce battles aren't really our cup of tea, unless of course a mother with 20 kids(!) shacks up with a British soldier who has a pierced "rifle" that can fire 11 times(!!) in one night. Is there some kind of exchange rate on these numbers that we should be aware of? (thesun.co.uk)

· Inmates in Indiana are suing for the right to have nudie magazines while in prison. We once went a whole week without porn, and believe us, that was cruel and unusual punishment. (indystar.com)

· Just so we're clear, Goldman Sachs investment brokers may be money-grubbing whores, but they do not literally sell their bodies for sex. Not at those prices, anyway. (Gawker)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

We had already closed up shop for the weekend when these photos of Paris Hilton (or someone who looks a lot like her in three-quarter rear profile) and her nether regions appeared in our inbox, but in a way we're glad to be posting them now instead of last Friday night. After all, what better way is there to start your week than by saying hello to an old friend?

Photos (including a terrifyingly high-res closeup!) after the jump.

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Click for larger versions:

(Thanks to our friends at Egotastic and Taxi Driver for sharing!)

· Take a look at this shocking turn of events as Paris Hilton's swimsuit and protective nipple tape malfunction during the shooting of her music video. We were simply horrified to find out about this ... Paris Hilton is shooting a music video? (egotastic.com + aol.com)

· Meanwhile, when we asked for more celebrity skin exposure at the Cannes Film Festival, this is not what we had in mind. (wwtdd.com)

· Adult film legend Seka is planning to release her autobiography later this year, but why hasn't a big time publisher stepped up to distribute it? Since she was the Jenna Jameson before Jenna Jameson was Jenna Jameson, we figure her stories must be just as entertaining. (avn.com)

· We've been telling you for years that mobile phones were the next big thing in porn—but now it must be true because you can read about it in The Wall Street Journal. Then again, we don't rely on black and white drawings for our visuals, so who are you really going to trust? (wsj.com)

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Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· It isn't difficult for us to think of 100 ways to use a dildo; however, we learned 97 of them from watching Belladonna, so maybe we're not the best ones to give you advice for entering this contest. (100dildos.com, via Boing Boing)

· As our friends at Egotastic note, Elle MacPherson is sure looking good for a woman of ... well, however old she is. (egotastic.com; also spotted @ Drunken Stepfather and yeeah.com)

· Alabama may have some competition for being the most fucked up sexually repressive state in the union as Iowa legislature moves to restrict the sale of sex toys (helpfully defined as "any three-dimensional item designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs") to minors, apparently to forestall that epidemic of underage vibrator use that's about to explode any day now. (state29.blogspot.com)

· When it comes to accidental billboard bukkake, sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words. (adrants.com)

· An adult industry "marketing consultant" seeks to blackmail convince Paris Hilton to invest in a casino using the contents of a storage locker she abandoned as a bargaining tool. Which strikes us as overly optimistic—after the world has seen you give your boyfriend a blowjob in night vision, do you really have any "dark secrets" left that are worth $20 million? (xbiz.com)

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Previously: Wet Spots Archive/Morning Wood Archive