Fleshbot: Keeley Hazell

We'd Rather Look At Keeley Hazell Than... Anything Else

Ottimo Massimo — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:30:01 EST

It really doesn't matter what Keeley Hazell is promoting, we'll buy in. It could be "Keeley Hazell For the Abolishment of Obscenities" and we'd only start to question the naked prophet's words halfway into burning our massive porn stash.

Luckily, all Keeley is doing is posing for PETA. As if we didn't already have a thing for activists, now we have to deal with another gorgeous girl using her nudity for a good cause. What has this world come to?

· I'd Rather Keeley Hazell Go Naked Than Wear Fur (egotastic.com)

The Debate Over Topless Sunbathing Rages On...And Keeley Hazell Shocks Us All

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 13:00:00 EDT

Topless sunbathing—once de rigueur on European beaches—has fallen on hard times. Last summer, we heard it was officially out of fashion, now some French beaches are even fining women who attend the beach sans top.

Fine, upstanding news source that it is, London's Sun has decided to wage a debate about the subject in today's paper. On the pro side is noted feminist Germaine Greer, who no doubt offers the opinion that bodies are natural and nothing to be ashamed of. On the con side is...Keeley Hazell?

Yes, unless The Sun is outright tricking us, the Page 3 princess and owner of some of the world's best boobs now thinks that girls should keep their tops on while on the beach. We...we just don't know what to say. Keeley, how could betray us like this?

This kind of news calls for drastic action. Readers, what say you: should Keeley be stripped of her coveted Crush Object status? On the one hand, we value all the good times we shared, and memories we made; on the other...how can we laud someone who's against topless sunbathing?

This is going to take a good deal of deliberation, we'll tell you that.

· Is it a boob to go topless? (thesun.co.uk)
· Thumbnail: Keeley in more topless times (dailypoa.com)

Keeley Hazell's 2010 Calendar Confirms Our Suspicions

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:30:01 EDT

We've suspected for a while now that our dear Keeley Hazell might have—gasp!—given up the naked girl gig, and moved into what's known as "non-naked modeling." And the preview for her 2010 calendar seems to offer confirmation.

Yes, fair Keeley—once known predominantly for her expansive, and usually uncovered, bosom—seems to be dedicated to exposing nothing more than a little underboob, with this photo (and one of her covered in bubbles) coming closest to anything approaching nudity.

Oh Keeley, where did we go wrong?

· Preview of Keeley Hazell's 2010 Calendar
(boobieblog.com)

Keeley Hazell, As She Was

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:00:00 EDT

Not a day goes by that we don't find ourselves thinking fondly of Keeley Hazell, and those halcyon days when she'd take her top off in front of a camera. Keeley may never return to the lad mag life...but at least we can still enjoy these classic pictures.

Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)
Classic POA: Keeley Hazell (nsfwpoa.com)

Keeley Hazell: A Remembrance Of Times Topless

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:30:01 EDT

Keeley may have left the topless biz to run her modeling agency...but at least we'll always have our memories. Like that time we went on vacation to the beach with Keeley and her busty friends.

Sure, maybe we weren't actually there, and it was more like a photo shoot for Zoo than a real beach vacation—but at least Keeley was topless and frolicking happily in the waves... and that's what we'll always remember. Especially the topless part.

· Keeley Hazell on Vacation (boobieblog.com)

The View From Below: Underboobs For Everyone!

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:00:00 EST

If we had to pick our favoritest boob part, it would have to be the underboob. Nipples are nice, and cleavage is forever, but the curve of the underboob is just too delicious to be ignored.

There's also the fact that—no matter the size or shape of her breasts—pretty much every girl has a beautiful underboob. From double A to double D (and then some), underboobs are seductive, irresistible, amazing... really, we just can't sing their praises enough. So instead of us trying to think of more ways to praise the wonderful underboob, why don't we all just look at some underboob shots.

Keeley Hazell (dailypoa.com)

Kari Sweets (karisweets.com)

Karla Spice (babesmachine.com)

Chantelle Fontain (babeupdate.com)

Alexis (100bucksbabes.com)

Tindra (onlytease.com)

Eva Wyrwal (nextbabes.com)

Natalie Sparks (prissypays.com)

Daria (suicidegirls.com)

Hailie (boobstudy.com)

*****

Previously: Fleshbot Requests Archive

Ask Men Reveals The Ninety-Nine Top Women In The World (For This Year, At Least)

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:00:00 EST

Once a year, the gates of heaven open up and bestow a great gift of knowledge upon us. Yes, kids, it's time for AskMen.com's annual list of the Top 99 Women in the world.

Now, ordinarily you would have to go through the entire list piece by piece, endlessly clicking through to find out which vivacious vixens earned such a coveted honor. But because we love you, we'll spare you (some) of that pain: below, you can find out who garnered the coveted top ten slots (if you want to see the other 89, well, you can suffer the clicking yourself.).

10. Kate Beckinsale

9. Kristen Bell

8. Rihanna

7. Scarlett Johansson

6. Alessandra Ambrosio

5. Anne Hathaway

4. Keeley Hazell

3. Marisa Miller

2. Megan Fox

1. Eva Mendes

· 2009 Top 99 Women (askmen.com)

Keeley Hazell Returns, Fleshbot Rejoices

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 13:00:00 EST

It's been so long since we've seen Keeley Hazell's boobs, we almost thought she'd give up the naked girl gig and started focusing on modeling in clothes or something. (Or maybe her music?)

But no, gentle reader; as these photos attest, Keeley's still in the biz. Thank you, Keeley—and please, promise you'll never leave us again!

· Keeley Hazell Topless in Soccer T-Shirts 18xHQ (dailypoa.com)

Babes And Bands: A Porn Rocker Retrospective

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 16:30:01 EST

It has just come to our attention that Hustler cover girls Jayme Langford and Jana Jordan have formed a band. But they're not the only ladies of the adult industry to test the music waters.

Sure, they might have the best name for their music group—how can you beat Pajamaband?—but other naked pioneers have paved the way for them, including:

Savanna Samson: The pornstar cum vintner also recorded an album. Who knew you could pack so much talent into one person?

Clara Morgane: The best part of Clara Morgane's music career? She was also her very own video vixen.

Tera Patrick: Okay, it was more a one-off gig than an actual singing career, but when Tera Patrick does anything, we sit up and take notice.

Keeley Hazell: The lad mag model has already conquered our hearts, minds, and, uh, other parts, so it only makes sense that she attempted to conquer the music world as well.

Joanna Angel: And, last but most certainly not least, our very own Supreme Commandress recorded a little ditty called "Rock 'n Roll In My Butthole," which was featured on the soundtrack of a porn epic of the same name.

· Porno Babes Form A Band! (hustlerworld.com)
· Thumbnail star: Rockin' Lana Lopez (penthouse.com, via Ask Jolene)

At Last, Keeley Hazell Gets The Tribute She Deserves

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:30:00 EDT

Over the years, various Fleshbot staffers have attempted to turn Fleshbot into a shrine to the irreplaceable Keeley Hazell. Although those efforts were ultimately thwarted, Keeley fanatics can finally rest easy: Fleshbot may have resisted the draw of all Keeley, all the time, but FHM has given in to the urge, setting up their very own shrine to the lovely Miss Hazell. With photos, wallpapers, and a link that unforgettable Keeley Lady Selector, it's got everything a true Keeley fan could ever want. Well, except for a way to magically transport Keeley into your bedroom—but really, that's asking a lot.

· The Keeley Collection (fhm.com)

In Defense Of Keeley Hazell (And Naked Babes Everywhere)

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:30:00 EDT

This was surprising even to us, but the earliest post you can find on Fleshbot with the same byline as this one was about Keeley Hazell. Ok, it's actually not that surprising given our track record—just a happy coincidence. She's been on our mind a lot the last couple of years, and even more in the last couple of days since reading this defense of Page 3 girls in The Sun. Apparently, some folks think that it's bad for women to take their shirts off in the newspaper everyday, but the author—a self-described "arch-feminist"—believes that, given the alternatives, topless babes are the very definition of freedom! Hear, hear! In honor of that sentiment, here's a look back at some of Keeley's greatest blows against oppression.

. . .

· Keeley Forever!

· Keeley Hazell's (Gasp) Sex Tape!

· Keeley's Rebuttal

· Keeley Hazell: Professional Actress

· Keeley Hazell's Model Behavior

· Building The Perfect Page 3 Girl

· Keeley Hazell's 2009 Calendar: These Are The Days Of Our Lives

· "I prefer bazookas to burquas" (thesun.co.uk)

Keeley Hazell Makes Everything All Right

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:55:33 EDT

One sexy Keeley Hazell video means our day is off to a good start. Two is generally considered a really good start. But the top ten sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time? Well, if you don't hear from us for a while, don't worry. We're just busy doing research to make sure they picked the right ones. (unibrowhumor.com)

Photographer Frank White Brings Our Favorite Babes To Life

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:15:05 EDT

Frank White is a man after our own heart. Not only do we dig his clean and sharp photography style, and his website overflowing with copious galleries of beautiful women (although we don't dig the autoplaying music), it seems that he deals almost exclusively with the buxom British lad mag girls we've come to know and love. Vikki Blows, Kitty Lea, Ami Grove, Emma Frain, Seren Gibson, Emily Scott—they're all here and looking better than ever. Even The Keeley makes a guest appearance! All of which makes us realize that for every lad mag post we've pondered over the years, there's a gutsy photographer who worked hard to bring it to us ... if you want to call spending all your time with babes like this "work."

· Frank White Photography (audio warning @ frankwhite.co.uk, via highonsex.blogspot.com)

Keeley Hazell's 2009 Calendar: These Are The Days Of Our Lives

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:40:23 EDT

Ever since we got our 2008 Keeley Hazell calendar, we've been counting down the days until her 2009 edition would arrive on our digital doorstep. (Which was pretty difficult, because we're pretty sure there are no actual dates on that thing. And WTF is a digital doorstep anyway?) We didn't see as much of our gal in '08 as we would have liked, but it's good to see that her devotion to shooting topless photos in sets of twelve remains intact. Although come to think of it, it is tough that we only get to see her naked breasts once a month. Is it too soon to be thinking about 2010?

· Keeley Hazell Topless Calendar (dailypoa.com)

Great Britain celebrates their Olympic success...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:50:56 EDT

Great Britain celebrates their Olympic success in the only way that makes any sense--covering Keeley Hazell's naked body in gold paint. Someone certainly deserves a medal for that. (thesun.co.uk)

Just so it's clear, Keeley Hawes and Keeley...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:30:10 EDT

Just so it's clear, Keeley Hawes and Keeley Hazell are not the same person. But they are both British and they both share a penchant for being photographed topless. We're not saying there's a connection—but if you happen to know anyone else name, you might want to keep a close watch on them just in case. (celebpunani.com)

Keeley Hazell Is Right On Time

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 11:00:00 EDT

Do you feel the summer doldrums coming on? You know, the feeling of time slowing down and being stuck in a cubicle/on the internet all day where nothing interesting happens because everyone else in the world is apparently at a beach somewhere having more fun than you? (Or maybe that's just us?) Well, whatever malady has befallen you, it's Keeley Hazell to the rescue. Her tireless devotion to your entertainment has resulted in a new photo spread in Nuts magazine and it's probably exactly what you were looking for at this particular moment. It's like she always knows exactly what to do to cheer everybody up. It's spooky, huh?

· Nuts magazine online (nuts.co.uk)

The Keeley Hazell Interview: Wherein Your Editor Receives A Rude Awakening

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:02:54 EDT

We've been following Keeley Hazell's life and times for quite a while now, but what do we really know about her? Do we really understand her? More importantly, does she understand us? We've always thought that there was a special unspoken bond between our humble selves and the beautiful bombshell, but her answers to this questionnaire make us think otherwise. For starters, she doesn't like the word "glamour" to describe what she does, which is fair enough. ("Boobie model" is probably out too, huh?) But then there's this exchange:

Do you ever wonder what men are thinking when they look at the picture in the Sun?
I do. I find it really hard to try to guess what they are thinking.

You must be able to guess a bit.

I kind of do, but then I don't know whether men would be thinking that, because it's just a picture of a girl, smiling, with knickers on. If anyone is thinking anything rude or sordid, they'd just look at porn.

Is it any different from porn?

Yes. I don't see how you could get off on a picture like that. It's a girl standing there smiling. I don't know why anybody thought of having it in a national newspaper, it's such a strange idea. [Emphasis added]

She doesn't see it? Has all our time together meant nothing?

· "Hannah Pool talks to page 3 girl Keeley Hazell" (guardian.co.uk)

* * * * *

Previously: Keeley Week: Surrender To The Hazell-Boobs

It seems like every time we mention Keeley...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:20:26 EDT

It seems like every time we mention Keeley Hazell's name an angel sends down new naked photographs to add to our wall. Do you think she's listening in on our posts?! (dailypoa.com)

Keeley Hazell, Renaissance Woman

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:36:53 EDT

Keeley Hazell: is there anything she can't do? Recently named World's Sexiest Brit (at least by the British version of FHM), she's now showing the world that there's more to her than just T&A, with the release of her very first single, "Voyeur" (which, we're pleased to see, also includes a bit of T&A). And if that weren't enough, she may also be singlehandedly responsible for the end to the cola wars once more people catch wind of her ringing endorsement of Coca Cola—why can't all products be photographed next to her nipples anyway?

· "Keely Hazell Is Back, And Topless" (fhm.com)
· Keeley Hazell 'Voyeur' (youtube.com)

Decision '08: Let Keeley Decide!

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:18:38 EDT

Who are you voting for in this pivotal upcoming election? No, not that election — the all important 100 Sexiest Women poll conducted by FHM. It's a hard decision, of course: Do you vote for experience or change? Youth or wisdom? Great tits or a nice firm ass? Fortunately, the lads have come up with a ingenious plan to help you decide: ask Keeley Hazell. Our favorite bombshell will take you through an interactive quiz (including sexy costume changes and wigs) that will determine your likes and dislikes and then recommend the right girl for you. Of course, the problem with this method is that all paths lead to one unavoidable conclusion: Vote for Keeley Hazell. That's democracy for you.

· Keeley's Lady Selector (fhm.com)
· 100 Sexiest Women (fhm.com)

Keeley Hazell explains the concept of Page...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:34:24 EST

Keeley Hazell explains the concept of Page 3 girls to deprived Australian FHM readers who, now that they know the truth, probably long for the days when the British Empire ruled their roost. Sure, they have freedom, but at what cost? (sexypix.thumblogger.com)

Keeley Hazell is trying to sell us something....

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:09:57 EST

Keeley Hazell is trying to sell us something. What is it? We don't know and we don't care, but somebody tell us where we can buy it, quick! (popoholic.com, also @ hollywoodtuna.com + egotastic.com)

Keeley Week: Surrender To The Hazell-Boobs

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:34:31 EST

As you know quite well by now (and if not, where the heck have you been?) Keeley Hazell is a force of nature. She's gone from simple Page 3 girl to internationally-known uberbabe and back again and taken the world by storm in the process. Not bad for someone who doesn't do much more than stand in front of the camera and look ridiculously hot. Still, every time we think that Keely-fatigue might finally set in, someone else catches the wave and washes overboard with her hottness. FHM, who is no stranger to the Hazell charms, is devoting seven entire days to posting photos and videos—most of which, they claim, are previously unseen—in a futile attempt to corner the market on all things Hazell.

While the photos may be unseen, the gimmick is not, but we are certainly not going to complain about anything that makes the world more Keeley-friendly. We're still hoping they'll find a way to make the whole solar system Keely-centric, but our scientists say that technology might be a few years off.

· Keeley Week - Day Three (fhm.com)

Previously: Keeley Forever!

Keeley Hazell is back again! Sorta. These...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 10:52:19 EST

Keeley Hazell is back again! Sorta. These are slightly dated outtakes from last year's Page 3 calendar, but at least this time she's topless and brought some friends too. She's always so thoughtful of others! (dailypoa.com)

And while we're spending all this time with...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 13:39:34 EST

And while we're spending all this time with some of our tried-and-true crush objects today (sorry, this cold weather sorta makes us feel nostalgic), may we mention the fact that Keeley's back too? Well, sorta: she appears mostly clothed in the latest Zoo Weekly, but this recent dry spell of hers was so bad we'll take what we can get. (cameltap.com + zooweekly.co.uk)

It somehow seems appropriate that our first...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 10:10:13 EST

It somehow seems appropriate that our first post of the new year involves naked pictures of Keeley Hazell. We have seen the future and it's just as sexy as it was yesterday. (dailypoa.com)

Sophie And Keeley And Lucy ... Oh My

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 12:47:21 EST

It's pretty much a given that at some point during any week, we're going to write about Keeley Hazell, Lucy Pinder and/or Sophie Howard in some form or another. However, it's pretty rare to get an update from all three on the same day. So we'll spare you some trouble and combine our legally-mandated bird-watching updates to one post. (And if you play your cards right, Gemma Atkinson just might show her face—and other parts—here too.)

First, there's Sophie who seems to change haircolor every time takes off her bra. (That's a lot.) We're not sure how we feel about the the blondish version, but this rather sizeable gallery give us plenty of time to think about it. We definitely miss the color in Keeley's classy, black and white snaps, but we suppose a little dramatic flair isn't so bad—especially when you're sweaty and topless. Finally, we'd like to apologize to our allies on behalf of American Curves magazines, which put the completely British curves of Lucy Pinder on its cover. As much as we would love to claim her as one of own and would definitely vouch for her character should she seek US citizenship, we respect all international treaties and will not try to colonize her hooters. (Maybe send just a little bit of foreign aid?)

Oh, and since you were so polite during the rest of this post ... here you go.

Don't say we never did anything for you (or Gemma.)

· Sophie Howard, Keeley Hazell + Lucy Pinder And Friends (dailypoa.com)
· Gemma Atkinson Maxim Magazine Pictures (hollywoodtuna.com)

You've seen the preview of the Keeley Hazell...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 13:53:36 EDT

You've seen the preview of the Keeley Hazell boob calendar (both of them)—now enjoy the hotness in its entirety. How she manages to cram it all into just 12 months is beyond us. (areaticino.com)

Ok, Zoo Weekly is just toying with us now....

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 15:11:34 EDT

Ok, Zoo Weekly is just toying with us now. They've put all their Keeley Hazell content into one easy to digest package, which is just begging for us to turn our obsession into a full-blown mental disorder. Must ... not ... surrender ... oh, what the hell. (zooweekly.co.uk)

Calendar Watch 2008: Keeley After Dark

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:26:06 EDT

We warned you that this day was coming, and now the time is at hand. After tempting the young and innocent with her "family-friendly" bikini calendar, Keeley Hazell is now set to unleash her "adults only" version, complete with sandy buttocks, glistening breasts, and come-hither stares. Of course, Zoo Weekly has a preview—and of course we had to share it with you here, since we're so cuckoo for calendars. Something about all those big round dates and luscious curvy weekends just makes us want to go out and schedule our own appointments. What were we talking about again?

· Keeley Hazell's Nude 2008 Calendar (sexypix.thumblogger.com)
· Bonus: Pinder's Big Boob Special in Nuts (dailypoa.com)

Previously: Calendar Watch 2008: Keeley Hazell Doubles Down

Keeley Hazell went back in time to win World...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:19:27 EDT

Keeley Hazell went back in time to win World War II with the sheer atomic power of her hotness. Never was so much owed by so many to just one pair of breasts. (boobieblog.com)

Here's more Keeley Hazell desktop wallpapers...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 11:59:17 EDT

Here's more Keeley Hazell desktop wallpapers than you'd probably ever be able to use in your lifetime. Excuse us while we go buy some more computers. (innuendo.blogter.hu)

Calendar Watch 2008: Keeley Hazell Doubles Down

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:51:06 EDT

After dominating our internets for most of 2006, Keeley Hazell spent a good part of the '07 keeping a slightly lower profile—among, ahem, other things. But with calendar season arriving, it seems that she's poised to make even numbered years belong to her by putting not one, but two 2008 calendars into production. She explains it thusly ...

We received a complaint from a mum last year. She'd bought her son the calendar as a present and was, um, a bit shocked by all the nudity! So we refunded her the money and decided that this year we'd have a "family one" without nudity and another, naughty one for the fans.

Aside from hearing from the greatest mom ever, it seems Keeley is willing to bend space and time to give us two years worth of boobage in just 12 months, and maybe put all those measly one calendar broads in their place. These "family friendly" snaps will tide us over for now, but consider our breath held for the adult-only days.

· "Nice" 2008 Calendar in Zoo Weekly (bastardly.com)
· Keeley's Back With a Bang (zooweekly.co.uk)

Previously: 2007 Calendar Watch: Keeley!

Keeley Hazell: Professional Actress

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 16:12:00 EDT

Just like how all actors want to date models, all models want to be actresses and our bare-chested friend Keeley Hazell is no exception. (We assume.) She'll be making her big screen debut very soon in the small independent movie, "Cashback," where she plays, um ... "Naked Girl." Ok, we all have to start somewhere, but seriously, she did more acting in that homemade sex tape than she does in this breakthrough scene. We know that standing still and looking pretty (and topless) is pretty much her thing, but it seems like a waste of a good accent and the jiggling power of film to have her doing nothing. But hey, Keeley's in the movies! And she's not (technically) playing a stripper! Next time her character might even get a name.

· Keeley Hazell in "Cashback" (break.com, via zooweekly.co.uk)

Previously: Equal Time For Keeley Hazell

Equal Time For Keeley Hazell

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 11:41:27 EDT

Of course, we would never begrudge Lucy Pinder and her video tribute courtesy of Unibrow or Uber or whatever they're calling themselves, but we're pretty sure that most of you were thinking what we were thinking as we checked out the goods on that post: What about Keeley? Yes, Keeley Hazell has not been seen much around these parts lately, but that doesn't mean that we've forgotten about the First Lady of Totty. She is almost ~~single~~ double-handedly responsible for our ongoing obsession with the entire lad mag industry, so it's only fair that she receive the same loving respect as Lucy. Plus, we know we're playing with "this video is no longer available" fire by embedding this particular clip, but ... more boobs on YouTube! Get 'em while they're hot!

· "Behind These Hazell Thighs: Top 10 Video Tribute To Keeley Hazell" (uber.com, video @ YouTube)

Previously: Lucy Pinder's Video Boob-O-Rama

Morning Wood: Keeley's Back! (Not That She Ever Went Away)

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 10:28:45 EDT

· Keeley Hazell has returned to class the joint up a little bit. We could use a little refinement, actually. (thumblogger.com)

· Even though China has officially "banned" them, Chinese-language porn sites are still raking in the dough. It's almost like the internet has a mind of it's own. (pcw.co.uk)

· Would you like to read the "filthiest criminal complaint ever filed"? Who knew the FBI had such nasty writers? (thesmokinggun.com)

· NPR commentator Frank DeFord says if "feather-brained" men had their sports pages taken away, they'd probably just turn their attention to porn. Yikes ... hopefully those Deadspin commenters can't figure out where we are. (newsbusters.org)

· Why would people get so angry with Family Video for having a back-room adult section? Oh, right ... the whole "family" thing. (dailyherald.com)

· A "hillside artist" is painting a "tasteful nude" on the grass alongside Hwy. 20 in Oregon. In other news, car crashes and traffic jams will soon shut down Hwy. 20 in Oregon. (kgw.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Morning Wood: Keeley Hazell Is Big Down Under

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 10 May 2007 11:37:55 EDT

· She might have barely cracked the top 60 in this hemisphere, but Keeley Hazell is at least still the sexiest woman in the world according to FHM's Austalian readers. Which proves that Australia is even more sensible than we may have given them credit for. (brisbanetimes.com.au, via hollywoodtuna.com)

· New (and very, very depressing) research suggests that oral sex may cause throat cancer. And we thought lockjaw was the only thing you had to worry about. (newscientist.com - thanks [?] Mike)

· Want to enter the exciting and lucrative world of Nerve Personals blogging? These handy templates make it easy—and you won't even have to go on any lousy dates to do it! (datehole.com)

· Nightclubs are installing more stripper poles so that the regular customers can get in on the action. Remember when it used to be called "Amateur Night"? (wcbstv.com)

· This letter to the editor writer is really proud of Playmate of the Year Sara Jean Underwood. Probably not proud enough to score a date with her, but it's a nice effort. (gazettetimes.com)

· Poor Donald Duck. He's always getting himself into crazy situations like stumbling upon a sexy babe in the jungle and forgetting to bring his condoms. (Boing Boing)

· This video about internet porn statistics is so informative, you'll want to watch it again and again. And again. So much learning! (YouTube, via goodmagazine.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Building The Perfect Page 3 Girl

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 07 May 2007 15:03:25 EDT

The hot topless babes who appear on Page 3 of The Sun are legendary, but picking the right girl to decorate all those tabloid inches every day is not as easy at it seems. In fact, it's a highly technical operation based on a rigorous scientific process that few people outside of the applied mathematics department at Cambridge University will ever truly understand. However, thanks to the rocket scientists in charge of all that breastage, for the first time ever we can now reveal the complicated equation that explains what separates the Page 3 idols from the mere mortals on every other sheet of the tabloid.

The formula: S = 0.4c Hd (1 - FL / FW)² + Bw² BL (T + e 0.33a + WH). Here's how it works ...

As our purple friend helpfully points out, it's all about proportion. The length (FL) and width (FW) of the face, combined with the size of the forehead (Hd), together with the relationship of boob width (BW) to boob length (BL), with nipple size (a) and waist (W) to hip (H) ratio rounding out the variables that combine to form the ideal pinup babe. Factor all that together and what does it mean? It means that Keeley Hazell has some phenomenal tits. But we guess you already knew that, didn't you?

· "Keeley's perfect phwoarmula" (thesun.co.uk)
· Page 3 Girls (page3.com)

Previously: This Week In Lad Mags: As Real As It Gets, Britain's Best Boobs: Move Over, Keeley!, Meet Sam Cooke: Page 3 Idol, Totty Tributes, Page 3 Propaganda, Page 3 Girls

FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2007

Fleshbot — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 12:40:03 EDT

It's deja vu all over again as Jessica Alba tops FHM's annual list of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World, beating last year's winner Scarlett Johanssen (who comes in at #3, bestill our hearts) and recouping the mediocre showing she made in FHM's list two and three years ago, where she came in at a paltry #13 and #57 respectively. While this is Jessica's first time in the Number One spot at FHM (and deservedly so), we seem to remember seeing her make the top of similar lists a few years ago, which leads us to believe that FHM's online babe watching community is a lot more conservative than we thought when it comes to finding new objects of adoration to vote for. They may also be a lot less discerning too, seeing how Jennifer Aniston beat both Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick and that Keeley Hazell didn't even make the top fifty. Guess there's no accounting for other peoples' taste—since our own, you know, is totally beyond reproach.

· FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2007 (fhmonline.com)
· See also: FHM 100 Hot Girls 2004 - 2005 - 2006 - 2007 (archive @ torontopics.com)

Previously: FHM's All-Girl Kama Sutra, Top 50 Sexiest Bums (Or Are They?), Britain's Best Boobs: Move Over, Keeley!, Zoo's 100 Hottest Topless Pics of 2006, Meet Diana Chaifair: Miss FHM 2006, Maxim UK's Girls of 2007